Sour Apples

Right now all my former friends from Quilt Guild are enjoying themselves at a retreat at Blue Licks Battlefield and State Park. They are eating and drinking and sewing and sharing quilt tips and talking and having a wonderful weekend. I do envy them. I love retreats.

I have no hopes that these former friends will ever become my friends again. In fact I don't want their friendship. However, I cannot imagine cutting myself off from the guild and future quilt retreats. I am not sure what I will be doing about it, but a solution will be found that makes me content in myself. If they are uncomfortable about my solution that will be something they will have to deal with.

These former friends never understood what I was going through. They just saw my sorrow and anger at circumstances and could no long deal with it. Again, that is their problem. That my DH almost died on October 10 is something they know nothing about and I don't really think they would care.

I have lost one husband to an auto accident, divorced a second because he shut me out of his life and almost lost a third one to kidney failure, sepsis, staph infection and pneumonia. For three days we kept DH alive on a ventilator while trying to heal the infection, restart the kidneys without dialysis and clear his lungs from the pneumonia. That we have had four weeks of hospitalization to deal with; that DH has lost 30 pounds during his illness; that he is using a walker or wheelchair because he has no endurance; that I have been beside myself with worry; in all of these things they were not there for me.

They pledged their friendship and help and then withdrew it because they could not deal with me. I regret that they were unable to help me. I would have loved the support of friends. However, I am moving forward and getting my life in order. My DH still has dementia. He will continue to slide downhill into a memory loss. There will be times that I will want to strike out at anything to deal with the anger of my husband loosing his memory. I will find other friends who will comfort me. I will find other quilt buddies to interact with. I will go on with my life and be a happy and content person.

I can only feel sorry for these women and hope that they never have to deal with what I have been going through and what I have ahead. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I have been at the brink of death and seen my husband pull back into a life that we never thought we would enjoy again.

Whether these women read my blog or not, I felt that I finally had to express my sadness at their reaction to my deepest pain. They were not there for me and I can never forget what they did to me. They are forgiven and written out of my life.

I am sorry for the sour apples...but I needed to get this written so that I can go on with my life. The pain inflicted has continued to eat at my heart and I don't want that pain any more. I don't want them to apologize. I just want them to stay away from me and leave me alone.

In spite of the content of my blog today, please have a happy and safe day. May God watch over you and keep you in his love.